What’s in a Name?

Posted on May 14, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“The name of a man is a numbing blow from which he never recovers” – Marshall McLuhan
“…..That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet” – William Shakespeare

Did you ever get to see the movie “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”? I mean the original, not the one with RMD, Saint Obi and Jim Iyke {if they finally got round to it}; the one from back when Clint Eastwood was still chic-worthy and Eli Wallach had not started receiving mafia-pension. Remember the scene where Eli Wallach (“Tuco”) was busted by a tyrant for taking on a dead guy’s name – purportedly to earn himself thousands of gold coins? When the tyrant’s bodyguard asked him why he did it, his simple answer was “one name is just as good as another”. Of course, the bodyguard later gave Tuco a beating that reversed the operation of his alimentary canal; pumping food back from his belly through his mouth. But, let’s stop there – for the sake of Tuco’s dignity.

Back in my Junior Secondary School (FGC-IK) days, certain names ruled the dorms. There were names like Laboosh, Pillar, Commando, Brogodo, Gibson, Damage, Ozone, Ogomi and Oba-Aro. Laboosh wasn’t an English name, neither was it French – but we all knew what it meant. It meant “terror” to students and staff alike. So, anyone convinced that one name’s as good as the other should try calling Laboosh “Oba-Aro” and see what happens. Did I mention that Laboosh had a fist like an elephant’s foot?

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Posted in FGCIK, Goodluck, Jabez, Mike Tyson, Names, Pele, Tuco, Tupac | Tagged , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

The Gift and The Curse

Posted on May 4, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“What we are is God’s gift to us. What we become is our gift to God” – Eleanor Powell
“Life is like a Thai Cuisine; the sweet always comes with the sour” – Imisi

The mere existence of coincidence would make this post completely unnecessary. Yet, as I always say, chance and coincidence might exist; I just choose to ignore them!

Have you ever had a pen so good you stopped using it because you didn’t want the ink to finish? Have you ever had an item of clothing so bad you were happy to make a rag of it?

In life, there are gifts and there are skills; and the two are often interchanged. I, however, opine that they differ. A skill is something you pick up along the way and get better at by practice. A gift (or talent), on the other hand, is something you were born with; something you excel in without stress – it just flows “naturally”. They say every human is born with a gift. I spent my first 14+ years desperately trying to believe this. At the time, all physical evidence proved contrary to that theory.

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Posted in Gifts, God, Life, Men, Talents, Women | Tagged , , , | 12 Comments

Nigeria: The Flaccid Trigger [Part 1]

Posted on April 23, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“Ideas pull the trigger but instinct loads the gun” – Don Marquis

        “The black man says it’s the white man. The white man says it’s the black man. Indians say it’s the coloured. The coloured say it’s everyone” – Lucky Dube

The idea of me wasn’t even conceived at the time a lot of the following events transpired. Much of the story is fact; the rest is a sparkly brew of conjecture and rationalization. This is a tale of the “-isms” lineage of monsters – each one more nefarious than its predecessor.

The British society has been found to be one of the most prudent – financially. They just seem to have a natural knack for business. That’s why I’m convinced that their best businessmen (and women) must have been on their colonization committees – if any such thing existed! It is no coincidence that virtually all former British colonies are (potentially) successful countries today – USA, India, Hong-Kong, Brunei, Ghana, Bahrain, Mauritius etc. By their genetic wiring, they are not donors; they are investors – astute businessmen! They didn’t venture into any territory from which they couldn’t reap huge returns.

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Posted in Amokachi, Bahamas, Colonialism, DaGrin, JJ Okocha, Kanu, Nigeria, Politics, Racism, Saro-Wiwa, Soccer, Tribalism, Tunde Solate, Voting | Tagged , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Nigeria: The Flaccid Trigger [Part 2]

Posted on April 23, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“Have an aim in life – then don’t forget to pull the trigger”

“You get more done with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone” – Al Capone

Please read Part 1 here.

I remember back in 2007, when the highly informed Tunde Solate told me “there’s this new guy in the US. Watch out for him. He’s headed for the white house”. I looked him straight in the eye and told him point blank “Tunde, I’m proud to be black – but it’s not called the WHITE HOUSE for nothing!”. We had known Osama; even O’mama (some call her Hillary) – but Obama? Dude! At least, get a “votable” name! Now I know better. If there were any candid proof that the racism monster is overrated, that would be it.

One of those who popularized the Fellow Nee-jay-rians “ringtone” is currently running for president. The self-acclaimed “genius” walks a free man; despite not having declared our gulf-war national windfall. Who’s to blame him? The M.O.N (miscreant of the nation) awards that decorate his colossal mansion are enough to construct a sky-scraper with. He might not win but he will certainly the votes of some “fellow Nigerians“. “Why” eludes me completely!
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Posted in Amokachi, Bahamas, Colonialism, DaGrin, JJ Okocha, Kanu, Nigeria, Politics, Racism, Saro-Wiwa, Soccer, Tribalism, Tunde Solate, Voting | Tagged , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Death: The Ultimate Beginning

Posted on April 18, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die” – Amelia Burr

A few days ago, I was taking a trip from the heart of the city to a suburb. The road was busy and narrow – and full of herculean pot-holes. Well, I had been on many like that so, no “biggy”. It was to be another ordinary journey – but that soon changed. I was in for a low-budget James Bond flick that would leave everyone around me sober – me inclusive.

The driver of the 4×4 in front of me had suddenly discovered a pot-hole in front of him. He panicked and had cranked too hard on the wheel while asking too much of his brakes. The tires locked at an angle and the vehicle’s suspensions sprung violently and noisily as the car screeched mortally across the road; writing something in a language only the gods could read.

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Posted in Death, Legacy, Life, Purpose | Tagged , , , , | 12 Comments

Sermons: What’s The Point?

Posted on April 18, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“A politician will say what the people want to hear. A motivator will say what the people need to hear. Learn to say what you want the way they like to hear it” – Imisi

First, I must say this is not an attempt to justify my being perpetually late to church. In fact, I’m working extra-hard to correct that. That being said, let’s carry on!

I don’t know if you’re like me, wondering why most of our naija pastors can’t sing to save a soul (well, save the few with some “disco history”). The common options are to go off-key, off-beat or opt for the opposite of “AYEFELErization” (named after the crooner who makes new hits by quadrupling the tempos of old classic hymns). While it can be argued that singing isn’t really their forte – rather preaching – I’ve noticed it hardly helps the mood. Focusing now on their JDs (delivering the sermon) two particular cases linger on my mind; opposites, alas! While one reminds me of the delightful lingering taste of a butterscotch candy, I’d describe the other as a kolanut-walnut hybrid – one which combines the not-too-exciting taste of the kolanut with the hydro-phobia of the walnut.
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Posted in Carol, Exam, Naija, Sermons, The Men Who Stare At Goats | Tagged , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Great Rebellion [Part 2]

Posted on April 14, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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Please read Part 1 here.

“Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it”  – Christopher Morley

By age 14, I had literally been pushed into the wall. I had set the domestic record for stooping down (about an hour or so!) I had lost countless clear-cut “legal rulings” against my bro. Life was really pushing me in the chest. Only one thing to do: PUSH BACK. Interestingly, my pop couldn’t live anymore with the guilt that turning a blind eye served him. Though he never said “hey son! I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you all this time. All that’s gonna change now! I love you” {lai lai!}. He’d simply walk into one of my “gym sessions” (usually, stooping down), ask what I did and how long I had been there, and then ask mom to cut me loose. Pop got so mad one day, he said: “leave my boys for me. I can raise them!” One thing led to another, and the next thing I heard mom say was “if that boy doesn’t apologize, I will leave this house for you. In fact, I’m no more his mother. Let him go and find another mother*”. “Good riddance” was all that came to my mind. In truth, I had a long history of not apologizing once I suspected the match was rigged – and this was one of those times. What did I have to apologize for? “I don’t have her stoop down like a golfer’s routine! I never reset her memory with a knock like she does to me”. “I’m not the one who gives arbitrary and totally unsubstantiated IQ rankings in which the less-favoured son always comes last”
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The Great Rebellion [Part 1]

Posted on April 14, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“Just because everything is changing doesn’t mean it’s never been this way before” – Regina Spektor

Life! What a thing! It’s lived forwards but can only be understood backwards! The only way to really understand life is having eyes behind your head!

Now, looking back, it’s much easier to understand the events of the past 20+ years. If I had a second shot at life, things would certainly be different but I will still stick out{no contesting that one. you can’t hide a sore thumb!}. Parents inherently underestimate us – what more would you expect from people who saw your pink butt and soiled diapers? They just don’t believe that people who once couldn’t tell shit from sugar someday grow up. Now, I love to “brag” to my parents about my achievements; and they always sound proud of me. But, identifying with one’s achievements is one thing, believing in their dreams when no one else would is something totally different. Parents usually prefer you tow the risk-free, predestined (by them) straight-jacketed, adventure-devoid line; one through which the adrenal glands are eternally hibernating. My folks never understand why I try to spend every holiday as far from them as possible.  But, you see, some animals were born to roam the wild. They don’t thrive in iron cages, getting described by the tour guide in the same words for a hundred years (“oh! He’s my son. He’s gonna be a professor ….”).
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Posted in Silence, Underestimation | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Live and Let Fly!

Posted on April 12, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one” – Benjamin Franklin

“Anger is like a boomerang. It always comes back at you” – Imisi

A long while back, I was feeling unwell for longer than I would have loved to routinely attribute to stress. I decided to have a check-up (that was before all the cute nurses got transferred). It would go on to be diagnosed as “NOTHING”.

In the build-up to the blood-collection stage I had to sit in the waiting lounge till my butt literally fell asleep on the poorly constructed seats. Some old nurse kept trying to trace my lineage back to a certain preacher in her off-the-map hometown; while complaining about my English. Needless to say I was reaching cruise altitude for being pissed. “Hang in there big man, you won’t be here on the morrow” was all the voice in my head could come up with in its role as “the pacifier”.  As it approached my turn, another nurse gave me the pee-bottle. She didn’t have to explain – It wasn’t the most complicated medical “invention” of all time. Ok! I’m back! Tragic and more infuriating news: Old nurse had gone on a short break and “see we soo be bak. Bor you can drop your shampoo (it’s pronounced “sample“, ma)”. BLOODY HELL! At that rate, the only thing that could stop me connecting a right Ali-hook with her dentition was the perforated glass through which she stared (you know I‘d never hit a {cute} woman).
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Posted in Anger, Hospital, Nurse, Punching Bag | Tagged , , , , , | 10 Comments

The Horny Unicorn

Posted on April 12, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“Lust’s passion will be served; it demands, it militates, it tyrannizes” – Marquis De Sade“Of all the worldly passions, lust is the most intense. All others seem to follow in its train” – Gautama Siddharta

I’m pretty convinced that by Adam’s reckoning, the only differences between him and Eve were physical; the dual-exhaust recreation centres up north and the honey-pot down south – and maybe the fact that she had a beer-independent expandable belly. Characteristically, scientists promptly swung into action to correct Adam’s obvious error. Unfortunately, however, the non-exhaustive report (which I love to call the “Interim Report”) did not see the light of day until about a zillion years after the said man’s death – due to the usual “bureaucratic delays“.

Sequel to the findings detailed in the interim report, a more specialized study was undertaken – and its facts are on the verge of global adoption. It was recently discovered that it takes a woman’s brain about twenty (20) seconds and a man’s brain only three (3) to shut down under “condition XYZ”. “Condition XYZ” has been more explicitly defined as being in visual contact with a sexually appealing “object”. This incredible (but true) finding has been dubbed “The 3-20 RULE”.

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Posted in 3-20 Rule, Adam, Eve, Men, Sex, Unicorns, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments