The Horny Unicorn

“Lust’s passion will be served; it demands, it militates, it tyrannizes” – Marquis De Sade“Of all the worldly passions, lust is the most intense. All others seem to follow in its train” – Gautama Siddharta

I’m pretty convinced that by Adam’s reckoning, the only differences between him and Eve were physical; the dual-exhaust recreation centres up north and the honey-pot down south – and maybe the fact that she had a beer-independent expandable belly. Characteristically, scientists promptly swung into action to correct Adam’s obvious error. Unfortunately, however, the non-exhaustive report (which I love to call the “Interim Report”) did not see the light of day until about a zillion years after the said man’s death – due to the usual “bureaucratic delays“.

Sequel to the findings detailed in the interim report, a more specialized study was undertaken – and its facts are on the verge of global adoption. It was recently discovered that it takes a woman’s brain about twenty (20) seconds and a man’s brain only three (3) to shut down under “condition XYZ”. “Condition XYZ” has been more explicitly defined as being in visual contact with a sexually appealing “object”. This incredible (but true) finding has been dubbed “The 3-20 RULE”.

Putting things in perspective, what this means is that when the average man spots a “hot” creature, his brain (assuming it’s a super-fast one) has just enough time to raise one question, conjure a response, ask another question before hurriedly shutting down. A response to the second question is usually filed by the brain under the “long-thing” section. In my experience, (you can forget I said that, but …) the usual order is: “Is it a girl?”, “Yes”, “Is there a bed around?”, “OUTAGE WARNING”, “OUTAGGGEE WAAAARRRRRNNNNIIIII”. Tewhn! Power out! He suddenly propels into the rocket age (that’s the one after the jet age) and invents, in his head, a device for viewing clothed people totally naked. (for some strange reason, this device only works on women) He would do and say anything at this point to make it happen – it’s not strange to hear a semi-literate guy claim to have single-handedly resolved the dispute between Iran and the U.S. in such modes.

For the female folk, here’s how it goes: Twenty whole seconds! Damn! That’s like a unicorn’s eternity! In a characteristic manner, the first four seconds are wasted in asserting that their huge shades (and/or contacts) have not helped improved the target’s lot. Then, a lot of Q&A-ing can happen in sixteen seconds – provided, of course, that the answers come from the same mind asking the questions – she asks, she answers! And, here was I thinking lust was a masculine thing – like testosterone (and his many cousins) – until a cutie set me straight (details CLASSIFIED). Now, I know much better.

This brings us to the fragile must-cross bridge: Forget the fact that El hermano (the dude in the pic) is a superhero who finds women as much a bother as superman finds kryptonite – though, something always bails him out of the impending crap-storm. If a real dude is trying to stay off sex, …… (maybe that doesn’t really sound popular so let’s re-phrase it). If the average guy happened to be in El Hermano’s place, how would he stay alive long enough to achieve his five-year dreams? Or, if by some off-the-chart Jackie-Chan and John-Woo stunt, El Hermano and El Hermana switched roles (she might not find him appealing at all; but still…), will she live beyond twenty seconds?

I’ve been told that the unicorn-equivalent of three seconds is like five years. So, the male unicorn (AKA El Unicornino) will definitely find escaping from the contraption much easier. He’ll simply shout to the executioner, in their irritatingly slow language, “But she’s a bloody unicorn! Unicorns aren’t real. Gotcha!!!” – and somehow hope his horn can jam the bullet within the gun’s barrel. Hun hun! That trick doesn’t work for us humans. Please stop thinking closing your eyes will save you – it only makes things worse!

Lemme know if you’ve got a plan that really works. You just might save a soul!

PS – The 3-20 is true. So, please stay alive long enough to read my next 500 posts.

Hasta Luego!

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This entry was posted in 3-20 Rule, Adam, Eve, Men, Sex, Unicorns, Women and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to The Horny Unicorn

  1. olumide says:

    Funny…but realistic at least on that level. Better to do your best at switching off your mind on stuff like this b4 time. Thing is some sights will resurrect your lazarus but that's better cos u can escape b4 he is loosed and let go or else… I no know no dey o!

  2. ... says:

    @Loomie Thanx, bro. Chunno! Better to do the work before. As you rightly stated, I NO KNOW NO DEY OOOOO! Nice one!

  3. darol2020 says:

    ….well what can i say, we are quite slow i admit but you will have to agree with me that we have more restraint than you guys, so i guess God knew what he was doing…..lol if i may say so! and as for a plan that works well cant hlp with that….lol very funny write up!

  4. Anonymous says:

    Your rule is flawed, it takes some bad guys less than 3 seconds to shut out.. They have d picture of what a naked lady should look like all the time. All they need do is to fit the shape into their template and they will describe the babes nudity… I know of some but I will hide their names….

  5. Imisi says:

    @darol2020: By that finding, you'll have at least 6 times more restraint than the average guy! I guess we're all stuck in the quest for a way out. lol. Thanx@Anony…: It's not my rule oh! Still, I feel you; some guys run on turbo engines ….lmao. You hid their names the same way you did yours! lol.

  6. HexyDre says:

    El Hermano or whatever the flip he's called is a dead man 'wanking'…or is it walking, if the true expression is walking then I take it back cos he isn't walking. But I like that, dead man wanking… Oh, I digress…the only salvation for him is if he can imagine the babe to be his grandmother or something, anything less than that will be his final stiffy…and it shall be a permanent one; cos a med student once told me, if u die with a hard-on, it stays like that in death (wonders of rigor mortis)…what a beautiful way to die.These are my words of wisdom (or otherwise)HexyDre

  7. Imisi says:

    @Hexydre: Thanx. As usual, you have killed it! Dead man wanking? LWKMD. I'm still ROTF. Last and permanent? Chai! Grandmas are in trouble oh! They better put enough "head room" in his coffin. lmao

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