In Thr33s [Lessons From The Future]

Posted on October 16, 2010 by De-Me-Stified

After cleaning out the cob-webs on this blog, I think it’s about time I offered a proper apology for how long it’s been since my last post. There are a few things I do better than making excuses – but, maybe the excuses should come later. Let’s just say I’ve been tied-up with acclimatizing and some “mandatory” work. Thanx for understanding. Now, let’s move on.

“There are three classes of people: those who see. Those who see when they are shown. Those who do not see” – Leonardo da Vinci

“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today” – William Allen White

One day, while I was packing my bags for my long trip across the face of Nigeria, my sis walked in and handed me a white “Brasil” shirt. It was a true beauty – moreso because of all the “tourist colours” scattered on it. I hurriedly tried it on for size but was soon halted in my tracks. How awkward; I thought I noticed a red stain on the left shoulder. I soon realized it was a deliberate inscription – a set of numbers: three 1s and a 3 written directly over the 1 in the centre. My curiosity escalated in that moment. Three 1s and a 3? What could this code mean? I quickly shot her a suggestive glance but she didn’t seem to get the message. Was I being made to market some merchandise without my express consent? For a dude whose final year project involved the generation and utilization of a pseudo-random algorithm, maybe a little more was expected of me. Well, we all get clueless every now and then. So, don’t blame me! After seeing how much I stared at that part of the shirt, she was finally moved to explain the “3 in three 1s”. I bet you can guess what she said. She simply read the inscription: “three in one“. How dumb did I feel!

It’s not strange that many attach some sentimental significance to the number 3 – but when Sgt. Auwal yelled out “cover up in threes” in camp, it was probably due to nothing else but a lack of parade-ground space. Still, did it have to be 3? Couldn’t it have been “gimme one single file” or “double this bloody line”?
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Posted in Life, Selflessness, Stereotypes | 3 Comments

TownCow Kobonaire

Posted on August 19, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“He who is good at making excuses is seldom good at anything else” – Benjamin Franklin

“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson” – Tom Bodett

It’s understandable that a lot of people consider “I-M-I-S-I” to be a tongue-wrecking name. Since I wouldn’t want to be moving around with a pile of tongueless pals, I conjure an alias ever now and then. In fact, I get a new alias anytime I get bored. So it’s not strange that I run into four friends and they call me eight different names. If I’m going be totally honest, I had my Muslim friends call me “AbdulJamal Malik” long before “Slumdog Millionaire” ever saw the light of day (walahi!). If you ever saw the movie, you should have
genuine insight into the meaning of “random”. If, like me, you could never spare that much time, this post might just suffice!

Please bear in mind that asides the obvious mission of successfully finishing this post, I intend to use phrases like “just my luck ….”, “by sheer chance ….” and “it just so happened that…” so many times that you’d think twice before ever using them again! Phew! That being said, ….

Question 19,999 for as many Nigerian coins as you can carry without external help:

Looking into the mirror, what do you see?

a)    Yourself   b)  An image of yourself  c) Your past mistakes   d)  An embodiment of all your previous decisions

PS – be reminded you have no lifeline left!

————–

It just so happened that I had to be the second child of my family! Why couldn’t I just be the first? I would have got into secondary school first; I would have been able to offer candid advice to my siblings. And, it so had to happen that my bro found out about my dream school and was going to get in a year before me! Couldn’t he just find his own school? I mean, I was the one who wanted to be a pilot; so why should he decide to attend Air-force too? “Bloody dream-stealer!” Three more terms in before I could join him. When he passed both exam and interview but still didn’t get admitted, I felt some pity for the lad. “Well, I’ll still be the first to attend that school”, I thought to myself.

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Posted in Chance, Experience, Purpose, Randoms | Tagged , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Relatively Absolutely

Posted on August 3, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
“After each game, I want to be able to say: I gave it all I could, I gave it my best”
“The Vision of a Champion is someone who is bent over, drenched in sweat, and the point of exhaustion, when no one else is watching” – Anson Dorrance

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the bRinEstAkeS show. Now, meet your performers! Introducing: Sowfoe Agbebodorun, Shawbore Lation and Gbebz Aproko. Let’s get started.

……………….Drumrolls…………………

Sowfoe: They are twins, jor.
Shawbore: No, they are not!
Sowfoe: Are you blind? Can’t you see their dressing?
Shawbore: But, they don’t look alike now.
Sowfoe: Well, not all twins look alike, dummy!
Gbebz: See these international mumus oh! You mean you don’t know those boys? When you will not roll with happening people. Sha follow me, lemme download their gist for you!

………………………Curtains………………………
…………..…………Applause…………………….

Ade and Olu; two boys, two names, two words – best described by one: rivalry. They were like lightning and thunder; if one attained a certain status, it was only a matter of time before the other followed suit – and even tried to out-do him. It was going to take more than a 4-ton truck to pull them apart. Ade seemed to have the ladies in a whirlwind with his new “rain-forest afro”! It didn’t take too long for Olu (who wasn’t blessed with much hair) to start using a hair-growth cream! Olu was beaten in that tussle, though he kept his lead somewhere else. Ade was determined to usurp Olu’s position with the guys. He’d dedicate his weekend to listening to the newest songs on air and try to convince the guys he was more current than Olu – but he was doing a tacky job; his croaky voice didn’t help much either. If both sets of parents had one wish, it would be that there was more than one week between their birthdays. That interval just further made it seem like their rivalry was ordained before the existence of time.

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Posted in Absolutes, Competition, Excellence, Relativity | Tagged | 14 Comments

Green Light

Posted on July 13, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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 I’m sure you’ve been wondering what has kept me off for so long. Forgive me; I never planned it to be so. By now, I must have started my year-long service in the state called Borno (capital = Maiduguri). Yes, I could have had it moved to Lagos or PH – but I don’t believe in chance. So, I might come back darker, but it must be for the better. Enough chatter, let’s get o the gist of the day …….. “Green Light”.

“There are none so blind as those, that will not see” – John Heywood

“Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration” – Thomas Edison

Of the three distinct colours that characterize every traffic-light system, the green light is definitely the most popular. We all want to see the green. Occasionally, however, a bold red stares us in the face and we’re forced to wait. The green light can mean different things to different people. A driver would love it just as much as a hawker (or even the lurking marauder) hates it. Still, both “sects” get their fair share of greens and reds. Since the traffic light was built with the driver in mind, let’s take out eyes off the “secondary users”.

Back when I had a stint in Abuja, I got to understand what ends traffic lights were really built to serve. Things were a bit different back home. Such a terrorist I had been that I voluntarily mixed the colours up; making orange irrelevant, and red equal to green whenever it suited my “high-speed” intentions. Surprisingly, I never got busted {by anyone that mattered}. Things were a bit different in the F.C.T. I had neither my driver’s license nor enough cash to pay a legitimate fine – but the roads were just too seductive to ignore.

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Posted in Driving, Resolve, Traffic Lights | Tagged , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Sucker For Soccer

Posted on June 21, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“Every time I went away I was deceiving my mum. I’d tell her I was going to school but I’d be out on the street playing football. I always had a ball on my feet” – Ronaldo
“I am a member of a team, and I rely on the team, I defer to it and sacrifice for it, because the team, not the individual, is the ultimate champion” – Mia Hamm

“Twenty-two grown men chasing one little ball”! Is that what you also think whenever you stumble on a game of soccer?

I remember when I received my first gift of a pro soccer ball. It was all so cute in its deflated state that my head dripped with fantasies of what I’d do with it once it got inflated. My bro and I lobbied and pestered to get some air into it. We really should have enjoyed it in the “tame” state, because it was simply unplayable after pumping. Our feet ached terribly each time we attempted to let out as much as a pass. We just didn’t understand why a ball should be so hard. It never occurred to us that our feet could use some “hardening”.

A short while after, towards the end of my time in preparatory school, I found myself between the sticks – in goal. From my interactions with the defenders, I appeared to have built a reputation in goalkeeping. They spoke of me in ways that made me wonder how long I had actually been playing the role. Maybe I had been at it for a while – I just couldn’t remember any soccer heroics prior to that day. Anyways, I was in goal and the shots were flying at me furiously. Apparently, the opposing strikers also knew a thing or two about said “reputation”. One particular save glazed that experience in my mind. A striker cut through my defenders like a hot knife would butter. In those few seconds, all the crowd-noise seemed amplified within my head, as the striker balanced to score the match-decider. He let out a thunderous shot; bearing great intent – but mine was greater. I was so determined to end that game on a high that I made the “impossible” save. I knew very little of what I was in for; I saved the ball alright – but my left eye also saved some of the pebbles that followed. That day, my eyes shed more water than a tropical rainstorm. If I had been “sensible”, that should have been the end for the partnership of soccer and I – but you know better. Things were just getting started!

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Posted in Life, Soccer | Tagged , , | 14 Comments

Use The Rear-View

Posted on June 13, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much” – Mother Teresa
“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us” – Albert Schweitzer

Have you ever been so frustrated you could smash your {very expensive} phone against a brick wall? Oh ok, it wasn’t that bad but you were pretty pissed! Let’s play a little game: Put that frustration in an Epson photocopier and produce 24 copies {not to worry, all costs are “on the house”}. Adding the original copy gives us 25 times what we had before. Now, picture someone 25 times as miserable and frustrated as the most you’ve ever been!

There was once a man intensely blessed with the gift of comedy. So skilled was he in his art that even his walking made people laugh! It was one outing after another, as the rich kept calling on him to grace their occasions. The people loved him and did little to cage his fame. Of course, his fortunes sky-rocketed in no time; to him, life couldn’t be better! One day, he had a chat with a distant cousin of his – and it changed the rest of his life. He suddenly became obsessed with the idea of traveling outside the country. Nothing else seemed to matter. He spent all he had (and even went into debt) to realize that dream of his. Yet, the harder he tried, the more impossible it appeared! Getting swindled by 12 different travel-fraudsters shows he wasn’t lacking in fortitude; he was blinded by it! He was quickly stripped bare by his obsession. His motorbike, TV, fridge, furniture and babe(s) were all gone – with nothing to show for it {literally}. Soon, his focus shifted from traveling to day-to-day survival in that red-soiled village of his. If “rock-bottom” were a country, he was at the most extreme boundary!

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Posted in Death, Friends, Frustration, Gratitude, Life | Tagged , | 17 Comments

If I Were President

Posted on June 6, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“Justice and power must be brought together, so that whatever is just may be powerful, and whatever is powerful may be just” – Blaise Pascal
“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt” – L.F. Buscaglia

It might be fashionable in some circles for a man, after seeing a (usually cute) lady a few times, to walk up to her and share the content of a “divine revelation”. It usually goes like this “Ello shister! I am bro Sharles, the see-are-man of the youth group. I hasd a vision when I was prays last night. I was drowning in a river and you come to ehp me. Then, I saw a pishure of the two both of us. When I woke up, I know there is no any two way about it. Yelz, God said you are my wife! Please what is your lame?” In the very likely event that things go awry, “bro sharles” preserves that same story {with some formalin} for another lady. The veracity of such “revelations” is yet to be proven. Yet, I’ll abide by the popular innocent-till-proven-guilty concept and hold my tongue. I’ll say this though: I’ve never liked that approach much.

Of all the gorgeous ladies this earth is blessed with, one always dances a jig on my mind. This lady – more appropriately, woman – is only a few days shy of 50! Interestingly, she chases men all around the world despite having more children than she cares to count. Of course, not many of those children are proud of her; and who’s to blame them? What pride binds you to a “mother” who has more ex-husbands than January has hours – many of whom she had no hand in selecting? Many will say all sorts to become her new husband –but I’m not the guy to do a “bro sharles”. That’s precisely why I’m not going to tell you I’ve been called by God to be the president of Nigeria. The truth is: I haven’t. I haven’t even received as much as a flash from heaven on that note. In truth, if the position were offered me on a platter, I’d think twice, then once again!

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Posted in Agriculture, Corruption, Nigeria, Oil, Politics | Tagged , , , | 16 Comments

Dirty Hands [Part 1]

Posted on May 28, 2010 by De-Me-Stified

“Courage is not the absence of fears. Rather, it is the ability to do the necessary – in spite of prevalent fears”

“There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul” – E.W. Wilcox

Are you familiar with the Russian Roulette? It’s a game (invented in Russia) played with a revolver and a bullet – amongst all other ingredients. A typical revolver bears six bullet-slots. To start the game, all the bullets (except one) are emptied; then then cylinder is spun and loaded. Six bullet slots, one bullet, one spin and one squeeze of the trigger. Implication: there is a one-in-six chance that what used to be the participant’s brain-matter would become the subject of a cleaning exercise. So, calling it the “ultimate gamble” is not far from true. There are two popular ways to play: with the gun to your own head {in a reckless show of courage} or to the head of another (like twisted Russian Lieutenants did with Privates).

Actually, asking whether you knew this game was a bit redundant. You might not know it by that name – but we both play it. In fact, everyone capable of completing a thought process plays that game. Still wondering how you’re concerned? Hang on, we’ll get there soon!
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Posted in Courage, Femi Yoloye, Gandhi, Leadership, Mandela, Obasanjo, Rasputin, Russian Roulette, Vision | Tagged , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Dirty Hands [Part 2]

Posted on May 28, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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Please read Part 1 here

“Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do” – J.W.V. Goethe
“Whatever tomorrow will bring with it is what we hand it today” – Imisi

Mahatma Gandhi wasn’t entirely stupid when he embarked on that hunger-strike. He knew pretty much that his life was ebbing away like the tip of a lit cigarette with every passing day. Yet, he persisted until the British bowed to his demands. Mandela’s case might even draw a tear. He was repeatedly offered unconditional freedom – in exchange for the abolition of his campaign. He didn’t need a prophet to tell him that his body was dying fast (and his mind, even faster) in the rat-hole he was in. Yet, he held on – for 27 years. “I will not ………, for my people“. Imagine if he had said “Oga! Egbon! Alaye! Psss! Ehn you! Abeg come, now. You see, maybe we got off on the wrong foot. The short man in the other cell is the brain behind all this! He funded the campaign and threatened my family. I never meant to defy your authority! Let’s sort this thing out amicably. Win-Win for everybody”.

Once I was on the field for a game of soccer and a new guy was elected to take us through the stretch routines. According to him, he was a veteran player-turned-coach. The drill was so fantastic my hamstrings tingled with rhythmic delight. As I stared down at my yellow boots, I couldn’t help thinking “correct! This dude’s gonna make a world star out of me”. Everyone was fired up when we literally got the ball rolling. Play was stopped from time to time as “coachie” kept yelling stern words from the by-line. After a while, by his instructions, we had to switch to spot-kick training. The boys weren’t really happy with that – and that was evident in our performance. “No no no! You can’t hit a ball like that and expect to score!”. “You have to bend it round the wall – and, keep it down”. Finally, “coachie” had seen enough; he was now going to show us. “This is how you play a spot-kick. You place the ball down and hiiii….” You guessed it! Continue reading →

Posted in Courage, Femi Yoloye, Gandhi, Leadership, Mandela, Obasanjo, Rasputin, Russian Roulette, Vision | Tagged , , , | 20 Comments

The Paradox of Love

Posted on May 21, 2010 by De-Me-Stified
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“Love is, above all, the gift of oneself” – Jean Anouilh
 “Love lives at the intersection of desire and resolve; with expression for a drive-way” – Imisi

How would you define a moment? Wait a second! Let’s back things up a little bit. Imagine that you’re running for a very prestigious post (say President) and your running mate is named “D. Clock”. Now, imagine also that at the make-or-break presidential debate, you face the trick question “How would you define a moment?”. What would you say? Oh! You’re asking me the same question? That’s pretty tough – but this is what I would do:  I would walk over confidently to my running mate and say “this one’s for you”. Why? Only “The Clock” can accurately define time!

Some moments feel like they have lasted forever while others feel like “hair-strands“ of a second – yet a clock might define them as exactly equal. It’s like sitting for a boring lecture; one hour feels like two days. Conversely, a lovely movie is always too short! Some moments are forgotten before they are even over; others linger on forever in the mind. Speaking of moments, one ranks miles ahead of the others in my head – remaining forever indelible like the pain of a first tattoo Continue reading →

Posted in Attraction, Desire, Devotion, Honey Nubi, Love, Moments, Resolve | Tagged , , , , | 25 Comments